Warm rainy weather seduces
My feet from their sneakers,
My arms from their sweaters
(my body from it’s shelter).
Sweet moist air curls the hairs
On my temples, soften my lips,
My winter skin. My flipflopped toes
squishy and muddy
(it delights me.)
I dream of always spring,
Rainy april forever green grass,
two feet full of freedom(found winter’s release).
1 comment:
I really like this one, but there're a few grammatical issues which bug me (sorry, English major-- and you wanted constructive criticism, right?):
--I really really like the idea of the weather seducing you out of your clothes. ;) But I have to ask-- "my arms out of their sweaters?" are you wearing more than one? You could do just fine with the singular "sweater" or, if you prefer to keep up the plural, "sweater sleeves" would do well.
--There shouldn't be an apostrophe in "it's" in the first stanza.
--Again, I love the imagery. "Soften" should be "softens," though-- "sweet moist air softens my lips."
--The imagery of "flipflopped toes" is confusing to me, because it suggests that the toes have flipflopped rather than that they are clad in flipflops (this may be nitpicky, however-- ask others about this too).
--I really like the parenthetical asides with which you end some of your stanzas, but the last one in the poem here kind of bugs me for a reason I can't pin down. I love the "winter's release" bit, but I feel like I want "found" to be in another tense, because you're talking in the present, talking about an endless and infinite spring. I'm not sure. "Having found winter's release" doesn't sound as much like an aside, and "finding" doesn't entirely work either... Maybe there's nothing better to be done with it.
I really like the imagery you've got here. :) And remember, kid, I always know what you mean, never is your meaning not coming across. I'm just tossing out some ideas.
More poems OMG R0XX0RZ! Keep 'em comin', kiddo!
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